Holidays can be a Struggle…

A look back at the current holiday season, as well as those from years past. Why I struggle. Why it’s okay that I do. And how I can still enjoy time off, and even be around others while they celebrate.

The holidays can be rough for many. This is no secret. Holidays are filled with travel; which can be a headache for many reasons. They are filled with people coming in and out of your home, or you having to go to someone else’s home. Society has filled our heads with what holidays are supposed to look like: The perfect gift; all happy times of sunshine and roses; the need to literally divide your time to accommodate or tend to others needs when in reality for some the end of a calendar year simply means well deserved time off to unwind. But instead of unwinding, we feel like we have to give in to societal pressures and participate out of concern of how it will look if we don’t. But then again, what if we actually advocate for ourselves, and ask for less pomp and circumstance at the holiday, and those around you simply say ‘yeah, we know you don’t like the holiday.’

Any part of that sound familiar?

If the holidays are meant to be enjoyed in terms of time with close ones, then why do we as a society still attempt to jam pack it with the most picture perfect expectations; which add stress, and literal things to our home we may not need or even want? Why does the cycle seem to always have to be on repeat? Why is it taboo or why are you looked upon as the thorn in others sides when you suggest something different?

Let’s not mince words about what is common for people to expect from you around the holidays.

• People expect that ‘family’ be together on a holiday, and sometimes for no other reason because it is a holiday; a date on a calendar. Even if these people see each other almost every other day, so often the expectation is that because it is a holiday, family should be together.

• People expect that you participate in the holiday traditions, even if you don’t celebrate. But they expect you to willingly participate. If you don’t then they often let you know that they are aware that you don’t like the holiday, but expect you to participate anyways - for the sake of everyone else. So, you can’t just show up to spend time with others on well deserved time off, and not participate without grief.

• People expect you to participate when you don’t believe in the reason for the season. If you feel forced to participate, you feel like a hypocrite because you do not believe, but again; you simply just can’t be present and not participate. This happens often in homes, but for many people at work too. Something as simple as a White Elephant gift exchange that they say is optional, but it really isn’t optional makes the holidays more dramatic than necessary. If people would be okay with some people abstaining for their own reasons, this would be helpful.

• When you have to participate, people expect to be able to purchase you an actual item. As adults we many of us are at an age that if we need or want something, we save and go get it. Some of us are more practical too, in that we don’t actually want someone to purchase us something we won’t likely use. And if we must participate we ask for something like a gift card, so we can put it towards something we know we want or use. But no. Many people aren’t okay with this either. So not only do we have to participate, but we have to participate on someone else’s terms.

So where or how can I fit in to an unpleasant time of year?

Let me clarify. I don’t want to “fit in” to the societal pressures of an overly commercialized holiday. But I want to be able to spend time with chosen family on well deserved time off.

And let’s face it. Paid time off is not a reality for everyone. So, to me it is important to be grateful for that time, and still choose to see and/or interact with others during time off. But because it is not time one gets all that much of, that makes it more important (to me) that you get to enjoy your time off, and not be forced, guilted or pressured into doing things you don’t care for. I, like others, just happen to get more time off around the traditional holiday season, making this balance sometimes harder to find.

Growing up, the holidays were not exactly fun; for many reasons. Holidays meant travel or having to clean the house incessantly to a standard of what was shown on television. But clean is different than style. The house could be insanely clean, but still not ‘enough’ to host others because of the style; a factor we could not change in a holiday season timeframe. But an annual annoyance of particular family members who made sure to remind us that the house was not in an acceptable state to host others.

The holidays meant additional, out of the day to day expenses, that sometimes (not always) meant sacrifice. Whether it was to be able to travel to see others; get the house ready; or to participate in spending exorbitant amounts of money to be able to ensure stuff was given to those who celebrated, money consistently because a topic of discussion or concern around the holidays.

The holidays typically meant families gathering; and that in and of itself; is scary (for me and many others). It means many personalities coming together; which led to discussions and/or arguments or plain ole gossip. It means sticking to a pre-determined script of what you are willing to discuss with certain individuals in the family. It means figuring out a way to respond to questions about your personal life that you are not comfortable sharing with family, particularly not that one family member whose ideas of inclusion are so far out of alignment with your own. It means learning how to ignore or literally getting up and leaving a conversation you don’t like and do not want to engage in.

All that being said - holidays were a time of planning what you could say and to whom; while remembering to keep your guard up at all times - always being on edge. In no way shape or form, is that relaxing. And for better or for worse, that on guard all the time feeling, remains well into adulthood.

For me, with all of this going on in my youth, it led to me attempting to emotionally withdraw - because I just did not want to be a part of family debates of any kind. I did not want to have the stress of having to accept gifts or give the perfect gift for that matter because in my world it meant spending time racking your brain only for the person to receive your gift to be disappointed - and then let you know that they were disappointed. Growing up in a household where you were annually reminded that the gift you gave was not enough - wasn’t good enough; not heart felt enough; you don’t listen enough to know what I want, etc.

And all of that just for those individuals in your family who celebrate the holiday. What about those that don’t for either their own personal reasons or religious reasons? Mixed families in terms of beliefs; well that is just one of those holiday dinner arguments waiting to happen, but the added pressures of forcing those people to participate in some soft of gift giving - that situation is less than ideal, and down right uncomfortable.

In what way does any of that sound enjoyable or relaxing?

So where did that leave me?

From an early age (as soon as I learned I wanted to distance myself from drama), it left me finding my way to the kitchen. I could help prepare the meal. I could learn from other family members in the kitchen, who I think also used the kitchen responsibilities as a safe space during crazy holiday stress.

But I could learn recipes, and improve some of my cooking skills.

And despite hating the gender norms of females cooking and cleaning, because it was not like the men of my childhood did much of either, it meant increasingly volunteering to do clean up too.

Let’s be honest. How quickly will family and guests ‘retire to the parlor’ once a meal is finished. yet there is a mountain of food to clear off the table, dishes to be done, and putting the kitchen back in a functional order now that the holiday meal is over. Whether people are headed to digest and continue the political ‘discussion’ or argue about sports teams and performance, these situations seem like nothing more than drama I could do without. More and more I found myself doing these types of things to avoid some of the holiday drama.

This sentiment continues to today. As much as possible I try to use cooking to escape some of the inevitable holiday drama, but even doing this I have been reminded that it is viewed as anti social when we are all supposed to be together (and happy) on the holiday. Still though, I retreat to the cooking as much as possible. More specifically, I take to smoking the holiday brisket. If I do this right, this is a multi day affair in terms of preparation; cook time; table preparation; etc. And the added bonus, the methodic nature of this process is usually calming.

But as the holiday approached this particular year, I was reminded both at home and at work, that I am the odd ball for not participating happily. It is even apparently rough for some to hear that it isn’t exactly kosher to force someone to participate. But it is okay to verbalize boundaries, even if others dislike them.

Continued reminders for myself this holiday season:

• It is okay to crave less stimulation on your well earned time off.

• It is okay to take time specifically for yourself on your time off work; despite what others might try to tell you.

• It is okay to be intentional about how you are going to use your time over the holiday. Meaning, it is okay to ask for day/time/anticipated schedule of your responsibilities so that you can effectively plan your needed personal time around the gatherings if need be.

• It is okay to create your own traditions, even if those closest to you do not like that you are creating new traditions that might not always include them.

• It is okay to choose to not be around those people who do not contribute to your own peace. That’s potentially a big one, because if can mean saying no to an invite.

• It is okay to abstain from celebrating a holiday, even if it makes some around you uncomfortable. They do not likely care that they are making you uncomfortable by forcing mandatory merriment, but it is not wrong for you to stand back and observe some traditions and not participate.

Even though all those things are okay, you will likely be challenged on them. People won’t like it. That is inevitable. But what’s the quote from Dr. Seuss:

“Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

That is true, but try explaining that to some people in your life and see their reaction. But it is true nonetheless.

If you celebrate - Happy Holidays. If you don’t celebrate, but simply want to enjoy the much needed time off, like me, enjoy that time off.

Either way - I hope anyone who reads this can have restful time off because the start of any new year promises to bring new opportunity for us to be ready for and new challenges for us to conquer.